Effloresce23

Chronicling my thoughts, one post at a time..


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Letters

Have you ever felt the most intense emotions imaginable, and then felt like you would probably never feel that intensely ever again? It makes me wonder if our feelings (especially our ability to love) are a finite resource, like if I kept feeling it, and sharing it, that one day I could run out.

I remember, about a decade ago, I was very into writing letters, hand written thoughts penned down on pretty stationary – to friends, to my then boyfriend, to my parents, to myself, you name it, and I’ve written letters on every subject possible. For a while that was my thing, I’d add a little hand written note with birthday gifts, or just write little notes to myself and leave it in different places to find. I absolutely adored it.

And then something changed, I had my first big heartbreak, the kind that I didn’t think I would survive, the kind that made me lose years trying to recover from, the kind that changed me forever. The only way I knew to survive it, was to numb myself to everything. Life became very mechanical, I reveled in my routine because it kept me busy. I made my time for myself so scarce that I didn’t have time to even think about anything beyond the superficial, my appetite was gone, but I ate so that the people around me wouldn’t be worried, I stated covering up my hollow eyes, and the tracks of my tears with pretty makeup, so no one would ask me if I was okay, which I knew would only have one result – me bursting into tears and coming unhinged and have my broken heart on display for all to see. I put on a happy face and went on with my day.

I did this more for my parents than for myself, the last few years of that relationship was difficult and volatile and sadly witnessed by my parents. I knew that I would not add to it by being a broken girl. They did not deserve it, and I would be damned before I put them through more pain.

So after the big heartbreak, I stopped allowing myself to dwell, to cry, or feel sorry for myself. I was barely 23 years old and completely disenchanted with life. I had numbed myself, this meant that I wasn’t really letting myself feel anything – good or bad.

I did this for years, before I was okay again. Different from who I was before, but okay. Stronger somehow.

One of the things that changed after this was I stopped writing letters. I didn’t know what to write anymore, I didn’t want to be the silly little sentimental girl anymore, that part of me, the naive romantic who loved the charms of hand made, hand-written messages, had gotten lost during the process of life. In the last few years, I haven’t written any letters, my newer friends don’t believe me when I reminisce about it, and some have even felt offended that they haven’t been recipients of them.

So as I sit here, wondering about why I am even thinking about them, I realize that I still love them, I love putting thoughts into words, and letting my feelings be translated onto paper, for another person to read.

Maybe One day, I will write letters again, I can only hope because that to me is an act of love.

magic

To be able to express myself like that again, fearlessly and freely, would be wonderful! Which brings me back to my first thought, have you ever wondered if our feelings are finite, that it is possible to feel everything all at once and exhaust it.

I’m pretty sure that that isn’t likely, as long as there is hope, the possibilities seem endless, like there is this secret part of our being which allows us to surprise ourselves with how deeply we feel (good stuff and bad). That to me is Magic!

Until next time, thank you for reading!

xo


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Wilde Wondering

This past week has been a pain in my back, sadly I mean that literally. My Monday started with shooting pain in my lower back, a pain so severe I couldn’t walk, or even move without crying, and on Tuesday it was diagnosed as a minor slip disc, and boy was I angry when I found out, it was unimaginable that me, a yoga doing 20 something girl could get it. It felt unfair and I was angry, although quiet on the outside, I was screaming internally. That was my state of being all the way till Wednesday. Finally around mid week, it dawned on me that One good thing that has come from this forced rest, is that I’ve had the time to stay still, meditate, do absolutely nothing, read and basically find a way to let all the pent up stress melt away.

One of the things that did happen this past week was finding part this amazing quote by Mr. Wilde, which is pretty much my life’s mantra, if you will, and it goes something like this –

 To have no yesterday, and no tomorrow. To forget time, to forget life, to be at peace.

Here and Now – the Only truth, all that we can be sure of. Not tomorrow, not 5 years from now, not life when we’re say 60! Not even the past, your past glories or past embarrassments, its all nothing but memories now. Stories.

Now – this moment. And the biggest, possibly the most difficult task is to be fully present, mind, body and spirit. To enjoy THIS moment.

It may seem very new age-y and pseudo intellectual. But really, its not. To be present, truly present in the moment, to share that part of your life with the person/s you are with. It is the best thing you could ever do! Believe me, there have been such moments which I wish never ended, but they did, because such is life, it keeps moving on, whether you want it to or not.

Maybe that is something that we should keep in mind, especially when life has managed to knock you down to our knees. This is also only a phase, a moment which will change. (for better or worse, I’m not sure, but it won’t be this way anymore). I take a lot of comfort from this because when you’re back hurts, everything hurts. Its possibly as bad as a heartbreak. But I know that this pain is only temporary. Tomorrow (or even the next hour), my body could heal to make me stronger. Therefore, despite the pain, I can be at peace, that this moment too will pass, the discomfort gives me clarity to take better care of myself. And that I definitely will. 🙂

Now back to the quote, when I saw part of it, it looked like a quote about here and now, but when I read the whole quote, its not about life at all, but about death. That death is a state of being at peace, a state of nothing-ness. It is sneaky how we thing something (or someone) is a certain way based on just one side of what is presented to us, and when we take a look at the bigger picture, it tells a different story.

This is the whole Quote –

As always, Mr. Wilde has given me something to think about. Perhaps, it is not to be too quick to judge something. I for one, am guilty of getting carried away, but this quote, in all its deceptive glory, really does give me something to change about myself, maybe not change, but evolve.. 🙂 That does have a better ring to it!

Today and the coming days will be more about improvement, healing, letting go of old hurt, and embracing all that is to come.

I used to think that to be positive was to suppress any negative feeling or disregard negative thoughts, and just fake being happy till I actually felt happy. But lately, I’ve begun to realize that any feeling or emotion must be acknowledged and felt to be fully and properly released from your system, otherwise it turns toxic. So if you’re sad- be sad, if you’re hurt- be hurt, if you’re in pain – feel it, and then let it go. Don’t let it bottle up in a dark corner and fester, only to blow up in your face when you least expect.

This, for me, has been one of the biggest lessons of 2016.

To allow myself to not be numb, to actually feel and be present in every aspect of life- physically, emotionally, spiritually. The biggest lesson ever learnt is to surrender. To be able to surrender to the moment, no questions asked, has  been the most difficult and most rewarding experience. Life, after all is only now, that has been the biggest revelation.

All this, just in time for Solstice (winter solstice in the northern hemisphere and summer solstice in the southern hemisphere), its a perfect occasion to shift your energy from dark gloomy past and move to embrace bright new beginnings.

Solstice, it is believed, is a time the Universe gives us a bridge to let go of all that doesn’t serve us, and make space for a better brighter life.

If the earlier bit sounds too abstract, here is what you can practically do –

  1. Acknowledge the pain – Write things down, find a calm quiet place and write what you feel. Take stock of the year, both good and bad. Acknowlegde that it is okay not to have followed the plan. Life works out exactly as it should.
  2. Release the hurt – Now that you have written things down, release the pain. Don’t cling on to things and re live the hurt. Release it, by forgiving yourself, forgiving those you feel have hurt you, release that sense of entitlement. Imagine a calming energy envelop you as you let go. Forgive. You will feel ten pounds lighter!
  3. De-clutter – This can be done in many ways, the first thing to start with can be your physical space, your home, get rid of things you don’t need. Give things away.Clear your physical space. Then maybe do the same at your work place. And your online life – de-friend, unfollow and allow yourself to only be surrounded by things that really bring you joy. The rest is clutter, and they have got to go!
  4. Forgive – Forgive yourself. We tend to be our own harshest critics. Learn to also be your own biggest cheerleader. Its okay not to be perfect, but that is not an excuse to be unkind to yourself. Start by consciously forgiving yourself, and see how that will change your perspective.
  5. Embrace – After all the above, you will feel finally ready for all that is coming your way, embrace everything, the good and the bad. Find your bliss and cherish it.

Let this holiday season bring joy and light, because after the year we have all had, we deserve it.

Until next time, be good to yourself.

xo