Returning the Favor

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One of the few problems with being an introvert is that you tend to be very observant and sensitive, you notice when someone’s tone changes, when the warmth in the interaction with people slowly disappears. And now, thanks to technology, you get to notice when someone leaves your texts on Read and doesn’t bother to reply, or chooses to unfollow you on social media accounts. Call me petty, but I always return the favor, not out of spite, but because I don’t like to be confronted with other people’s negativity that I didn’t create.

See, I’m not buying that such things happen by accident. For example –

  • To unfollow someone on most social media requires at least 3 steps, finding and opening the account that you want to unfollow, hit unfollow on said account, and hit yes, when it asks you if you’re sure you want to unfollow said account.
  • To ignore/ghost someone requires at least 3 steps as well, finding the contact details of the person on your phone, mute/block said contact, and hit yes when the platform asks you of you’re sure if you want to mute/block said contact.

I notice everything even when it might seem like I haven’t. And there are few things I find unworthy of my energy and time, one of them is definitely dealing with someone else’s toxicity directed towards me which has (definitely) stemmed out of their own insecurities. I am sure of this because as a matter of principle I ensure that I am mindful in all my relationships, and I ensure that if I can’t enhance their joy when they’re around me, I at least don’t offend them, I am certain of this because I have very few relationships (that mean something) to keep track of. It has always been quality over quantity.

Truth be told, when people I like/love choose to extend negativity and unwanted drama into my existence, it breaks my heart, but here is the thing I have learnt about myself over the years, I will never confront it/talk about it, because I’ll be damned if I waste more time/energy on it. So I only return the favor, unfollow or mute/block said person, soothe my broken heart, move on with my life, and make no apologies for it. I call it life detox. Where I acknowledge the hurt and consciously detox the toxic relationships.

To those who have been unkind, or projected your insecurities on me and find silly unwarranted reasons to hate me, well, my parting thoughts are – I wish I could dislike you back, but that isn’t how it works with me and my silly sentimental heart, but I will do everything in my power to not have to encounter you again, and thank you for revealing your true colors, it took you long enough!

Peace & Love

xo

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Letters

Have you ever felt the most intense emotions imaginable, and then felt like you would probably never feel that intensely ever again? It makes me wonder if our feelings (especially our ability to love) are a finite resource, like if I kept feeling it, and sharing it, that one day I could run out.

I remember, about a decade ago, I was very into writing letters, hand written thoughts penned down on pretty stationary – to friends, to my then boyfriend, to my parents, to myself, you name it, and I’ve written letters on every subject possible. For a while that was my thing, I’d add a little hand written note with birthday gifts, or just write little notes to myself and leave it in different places to find. I absolutely adored it.

And then something changed, I had my first big heartbreak, the kind that I didn’t think I would survive, the kind that made me lose years trying to recover from, the kind that changed me forever. The only way I knew to survive it, was to numb myself to everything. Life became very mechanical, I reveled in my routine because it kept me busy. I made my time for myself so scarce that I didn’t have time to even think about anything beyond the superficial, my appetite was gone, but I ate so that the people around me wouldn’t be worried, I stated covering up my hollow eyes, and the tracks of my tears with pretty makeup, so no one would ask me if I was okay, which I knew would only have one result – me bursting into tears and coming unhinged and have my broken heart on display for all to see. I put on a happy face and went on with my day.

I did this more for my parents than for myself, the last few years of that relationship was difficult and volatile and sadly witnessed by my parents. I knew that I would not add to it by being a broken girl. They did not deserve it, and I would be damned before I put them through more pain.

So after the big heartbreak, I stopped allowing myself to dwell, to cry, or feel sorry for myself. I was barely 23 years old and completely disenchanted with life. I had numbed myself, this meant that I wasn’t really letting myself feel anything – good or bad.

I did this for years, before I was okay again. Different from who I was before, but okay. Stronger somehow.

One of the things that changed after this was I stopped writing letters. I didn’t know what to write anymore, I didn’t want to be the silly little sentimental girl anymore, that part of me, the naive romantic who loved the charms of hand made, hand-written messages, had gotten lost during the process of life. In the last few years, I haven’t written any letters, my newer friends don’t believe me when I reminisce about it, and some have even felt offended that they haven’t been recipients of them.

So as I sit here, wondering about why I am even thinking about them, I realize that I still love them, I love putting thoughts into words, and letting my feelings be translated onto paper, for another person to read.

Maybe One day, I will write letters again, I can only hope because that to me is an act of love.

magic

To be able to express myself like that again, fearlessly and freely, would be wonderful! Which brings me back to my first thought, have you ever wondered if our feelings are finite, that it is possible to feel everything all at once and exhaust it.

I’m pretty sure that that isn’t likely, as long as there is hope, the possibilities seem endless, like there is this secret part of our being which allows us to surprise ourselves with how deeply we feel (good stuff and bad). That to me is Magic!

Until next time, thank you for reading!

xo

Say it with a Poem..

What better way to start a day than reading something great. These past few weeks have been so busy (read: stressful) at work that I’ve barely had the time to write out a decent blog post. And that’s just very upsetting. My only solace all these days has been reading… The best things in life are definitely free and all around us, all we have to do is take a look around…

This morning, one of the bloggers I adore posted a poem on social media, and I knew that I wanted to share it as well… I’m sure everyone can relate to this, because we’ve all had our hearts broken, and it sucks!!! So here goes…

Poem1Hope you like it….

xo