Lately I find myself struggling, and this might have been a reflection of my recent posts as well, it is easier to post beautiful photos and not worry about articulating my thoughts. I go through these phases of extreme intensity (maybe its a result of living inside my own head, so much) its an inner turmoil that just doesn’t seem to settle. Like someone (perhaps me) has kicked up the dust which now refuses to settle down, and I can’t see. I have gone through these phases sometimes, and the only way to manage this is mostly by looking inward, no one else gets to hear about it, and this is the first time I have attempted at writing about it, simply because writing is often therapeutic and cathartic, so hopefully by the end of writing this, I will feel a bit unburdened, so here goes.
If there’s one thing I hate, its wasteful suffering (or wasteful anything!), I believe if something makes you suffer inexplicable pain, there HAS to be a higher meaning or purpose behind it. But during these phases, I feel like the world makes no sense, and that our suffering (whatever they may be) are all pretty senseless, in the grander scheme of things, after all we are merely a blip in the universe, I don’t know if my inner turmoil has any bearing on the bigger picture (nor if it should?).
Recently, one of the external causes for my suffering has been a malicious stranger stalking, threatening and harassing me (and my family). A faceless person, who holds a grudge (he seems to have cooked up in his head).
It all started a little over a month ago, when a man I don’t know started sending me hateful, angry and threatening messages on Facebook messenger. (I know, I know, most women on the internet have probably dealt with trolls like this, & I’m merely a statistic). But this man seemed to know and names & details about members of my family, and has made them a subject of his threats. That’s when things get real freaky, because my personal social media accounts are set to the highest privacy settings, so the only people who know/have access to certain details are people who are directly connected to me. Which means this stranger has access to my account through someone who is directly connected to me. And I don’t know who it could be.
You should note that this kind of a thought leaves you feeling paranoid. You become suspicious of everyone, and then its all a slippery slope.
So this man, tracked down the phone numbers of one of my family members and tried to reach out to me a few days back.
It has left me speechless and baffled that a complete stranger, who clearly doesn’t have a life, can harbor such hatred for someone who lives hundreds of miles away, and is a complete stranger. (yes, I realize I’ve said that already!)
My only fault, I exist, and I have a Facebook account (and a private one, at that!)
If you have never been stalked, let me paint you a picture as to how it feels – you get jumpy every time the phone buzzes, you constantly look over your shoulder every time you leave the house, you react angrily to small things, you feel constantly guilty for causing stress to your loved ones, you shudder involuntarily because you don’t know who the stalker knows you through. You feel like screaming uncontrollably, and that is pretty much all you do inside your head when you get a moment to think. NO ONE ELSE will get the intensity of the fear you feel because it is bone-deep. You lose faith in humanity, (even the little bit you didn’t realize you had left). You lose your faith in god because you don’t understand why you are being put through this. You frantically retrace every single encounter you could’ve possibly had in your life to figure out if you’ve inadvertently offended somebody. All you will want to do is curl up into a ball in a pitch dark room because that it your only safe place, but life commitments won’t let you. So you put on a neutral face and head out to honor your commitments (professional ones).
Some might think this is a bit of an overkill, but this is the second time in my life I am being stalked, and believe me, this is putting it mildly.
Both times, my only fault was that I existed, minding my own business, being careful of my actions, dreaming & planning big for my own life.
Why do certain things happen? I often wonder, more so at times like these.
Surely the Universe can’t have such a sick & twisted sense humor (assuming this is supposed to be funny!).
The only thing I can do it let go of everything I feel, and it will probably take everything I have to be able to do this. But I am at a point of exhaustion, too tired to even feel anything anymore, and have to let it all go.